The Heavy Stuff

I would be lying if I said I am not tired, really exhausted would be a better word. I am anxious and curious about the future. I am missing my husband terribly… To all you single parents out there you deserve a medal because I have LOTS of help and I still struggle with getting up and making the breakfast, or fixing the meals, finding something educational to do so I feel validated letting the boys veg out in front of a movie or two, not to mention prepping dinner, then it’s bedtime. Hopefully I remembered to brush my teeth somewhere in there…

Some days are much heavier than others, the kids have been frustrating all day and now they’re going to be broken because I yelled at them all. day. long. Some days it goes deeper than that. I’ve been the girl who doesn’t see a meaning for her life. No one wants to feel this way let alone admit it.

I’ve been the girl who wakes up wondering what’s the point of getting out of bed and I remember those babies I need to take care of, the husband who bends over backwards to provide for his family, the woman in me who needs me to get up today because I am worth the effort even though it might bring me to tears. I’ve been the girl who follows her husbands career putting hers on the back burner. I’ve been aggravated beyond words at how many times we’ve had a career change to adjust to or a new home to move into, it’s always fresh new and exciting in the beginning but that wonder begins to wear off after the fifth, sixth, and seventh time. I’ve been the girl whose anxiety shakes her whole world. Wondering what is wrong with me, I can’t even take in a full breath so how am I supposed to raise children if I can’t get past looking at the floor no matter where I go just to avoid eye contact with others? I’ve been the girl who just moved to a new town and has no one dozens of times. Between my life as an Air Force Brat, going away for cosmetology school, and marrying my ambitious (previously Navy) Huz… Lemme tell ya, doing the “New Girl”thing over and over again gets old. I’ve been the girl who doesn’t feel good enough, too loud, too heavy, doesn’t listen well enough, too insecure… We all know how these lists go on. I’ve even been the girl who wants to be home with her babies even though it means sacrificing my first and only career. But when those heavy day storms hit you call on your inner coping mechanisms.

Now I’m not saying one thing in particular will change your life overnight, but what I am saying is when you surround yourself with people who are rooting for you and who lift you up, your life will better overtime. When you wake up everyday with a humble heart to serve those around you, for you to help them, or encourage them, your life suddenly feels more meaningful.

Your circle should want to see you win and clap loudly when you do. If not, get a new circle because you deserve some applause.

It’s hard to be excited about anything when the unknowns are vast. I share this for my sanity so it’s not a swirling mess in my head. I’m a stacker of emotional turmoil, like a heap of Jenga blocks about to be plowed over by a toddler. I’m not typically one to ask for help outside of a professional therapist because I want to be the one doing the helping. I try to look for the silver lining, the possibilities and opportunities even when it feels like we just keep going back to square one. This is when I call my supports, I call my best friend, I find someone to go have dessert with me at 9 pm, I pick up my Bible.

My gem today was this:
Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.” Lean into your circle.

Be open, be honest, be still.

Caarin Torsitano

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One Comment

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    Susan

    I look at the beauty of the morning. And try real hard to realize that we don’t have to accomplish anything today, we do have to measure up to anyone’s expectations. We don’t have to be anything we just have to be.God created the morning beautiful and lazy and all we have to do is love. It helps to remind me the rest doesn’t matter because love washes away all the mistakes we make. That’s how God rolls.

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