It’s Not Just You, It’s Me Too

It’s 10:49 pm and I’m sitting here in the dark twiddling my fingers deciding how to start this. My almost six year-old is snoozing next to me while my almost three year-old is passed out in mommy’s recliner… I’ve never really had a writers bug or an “itch” so to speak. But I do love to talk and share my experiences, especially ones better whispered about in the dark to your best friend. I wanted to write this for you friend. To start I’ll give you as brief of an introduction as possible. I am long winded and tend to ramble and turn one story into at least ten different tales, buckle up. I am a mom of three wonderful boys. My oldest is R-Dog, Grog the Frog will be three in May, and Cass the Bass just turned one! Just in case you need the disclaimer these are not my children’s names, I’m just a little protective of my tiny’s. I am a stay at home mom currently, I am also a licensed cosmetologist who occasionally gets to use my skills in the kitchen with the sweet friends I make through harassing them at the park. “How old is your kid? I have a kid too! You live in the area? ME TOO, wannabefranns?!” *forcefully gives phone number to acquaintance* (flips hair trying to look cool and chokes on caramel macchiato.) Did I mention I’m clumsy? It’s a serious problem. Also I’m a mess, when it comes to cleaning, I go big or go home. Spring cleaning is always ugly though, thanks Marie Kondo. My all time favorite hobby is talking with people, it truly takes my troubles away even if just for a moment. I light up like a dead Christmas tree on fire when I have the joy of sharing experiences and life with others. Even when those things are heavy or hard to swallow. I like sharing my broken pieces with others so that they might get to see my story and skip a chapter of heartbreak for themselves or know they have someone they can lean on. I like being a support, an ear or an eye (I do have children after all). I could put that I enjoy reading books and exploring new restaurants etc. Although both are true I don’t feel like they add up to being me. This is a place I want to share my life and stories with you and I hope you’ll share them with your friends, sisters, and mothers. I have lots of happy in me, in general I try to be positive overall, but the reality is that’s just not always the case. For me it’s a struggle because I get so much joy in my distraction of talking and hanging out with other people that sometimes my inner turmoil forgets it needs some help. It needs some air so it stops boiling over, some company to listen or even relate, and not just to be distracted. I love distractions. Like right now, I’m doing this instead of sleeping, oops. My heart needs your eyes, I’m a mom, I need validation. My primary love language is words of affirmation. I need to know I’m not the only one who feels like they see the good in most people but I also see the truth and I use that truth to protect my heart and my children’s developing characters. Even though I’m pretty positive I’m doing the right things for myself, my family, my children 97.4% of the time there’s the part where I’m a bawling bag of nerves or a rage machine and then I’m devastated and 99.9% sure I’m actively destroying my children from the inside out. Also, hormones are evil, I blame them a lot. I’m calling this Mum Certain. Like I’m parenting and wife-ing and self care-ing as much as I humanly can, but I’m second guessing myself every step of the way. You feel me? Let’s do this.

It’s not just you, it’s me too
Caarin Torsitano

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