Optimist with a Bad Attitude

The sun has come out to glimmer hope on my most recent life challenge: packing up to move 2,000+ miles away from family and friends.
This whole process has been full of angst and turmoil. After an emotional week from hell and with no concrete plans I’ve really been struggling with how to wrap my head around everything let alone get started on my mountain of tasks. I haven’t seen my husband in over a month and with my three boys…

I feel like I am drowning.

I’ve hit some lows that scare me to talk about. I have never wanted to end my own life but there were a few days I would have welcomed being struck by lightning. I was supposed to be moving closer to my best friend not thousands and thousands of miles away from her. I don’t want to pack again, or move again. I wanted to keep my wonderful network of healthcare providers I have made over the years. I wanted a home close to my parents and in-laws. To raise my boys near all of our West Coast family…
“It’s not supposed to be this way.” God please, I just want a break. A pause to take joy in the mundane routines we so frequently take for granted. But here I am, fighting to keep my head above water.

“It’s not supposed to be this way.”

This phrase floods my mind constantly and I have to remind myself over and over and over again that I am not in control. My attitude can be bleak, cynical, or downright depressing. Am I not suitable for a boring life from time to time? Because I am so tired of the transitions. I am ready for a home, a place to grow some roots and tie into a community.

My husband reminded me of a quote from my all time favorite movie Remember Me. In the film Tyler says: Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it. Because nobody else will.

I needed to hear those words, at that moment in my brokenness. A reminder that I am doing everything that I need to do as the moments and days come.

I’m chronically torn between my optimism for the future and my severely negative attitude for the present. There are days where my logical mind cannot permeate my thoughts of detriment. That I am worthless and don’t contribute to society. That other than raising my children I have no purpose. My heart races any time I get up to be productive because I know that the ticking time bombs that are my children will be rushing in within a moment to take me away from my work. It’s hard to pull myself back into my optimistic bubble when I’m so discouraged.

My depression beats me up but it does not win. It calls me names and sometimes I forget that it is wrong.
I feel like I am lost at sea looking for land. I don’t want to die out here. I want to stay alive, I’m not crying for help. I’m in the sea and all I need is someone to tell me to let my feet touch the ground so I can walk out and grip the sand with my toes.

Music can be a very useful tool in bringing light into your life. It’s hard to be down when you’re enjoying an upbeat playlist.
The song Come Alive from The Greatest Showman has been the song of my life lately, particularly these lyrics:

You stumble through your days
Got your head hung low
Your skies’ a shade of grey
Like a zombie in a maze
You’re asleep inside
But you can shake away
‘Cause you’re just a dead man walking
Thinking that’s your only option
But you can flip the switch and brighten up your darkest day
Sun is up and the color’s blinding
Take the world and redefine it
Leave behind your narrow mind
You’ll never be the same
Come alive, come alive
Go and ride your light
Let it burn so bright
Reaching up
To the sky
And it’s open wide
You’re electrified…

When I feel small. Insignificant. I remind myself I am building a family. I am setting an example to my young men of how a woman can be equal with her partner. To be respectful even in the face of hard circumstances. I am teaching them how to grieve for things that are lost. Or when in reality it is only learning to say “goodbye for now”. I am teaching them time management for work and play. How to be gentle and soft with their words and how much harsh words can damage the heart…

If you stop for a moment and think of the great cathedrals of the world, they were constructed to bring glory to God out of respect and honor. Every detail made with intention and meticulousness. We remember and know these grand buildings but no one could name all the men who designed and built these incredible breathtaking structures.

I am laying the foundation of the next generation, my piece may only be a brick but it will withstand the sands of time. Just like the cathedrals. I am not insignificant. I am a sculptor, a designer, a moderator, a leader. The architect of my family. I truly believe to my core I am being used for something bigger than myself, something I can share with others to bring them joy or a sliver of light in the midst of what could be their deepest darkness. Let’s come together. Let’s come alive.