I’m sorry that someone you loved made you think it’s hard to love you

I read this quote earlier and it sent a buzzing through my mind… How many times have I struggled with self worth from personal issues with myself? For me that answer is “plenty” but most of the time it is because someone put that doubt in me in the first place. Whether it is the Devil himself whispering into my ear or scrolling through Instagram one too many times, that negative stream of consciousness is there.

If you have ever felt less than worthy from someone putting you down, I am so incredibly sorry. If we dig down into the root system where these feelings of doubt and discomfort come from I imagine all of us will find ourselves back in elementary-middle school wrestling with a memory about something we have been picked on for, buck teeth, over weight, poor clothing, too thin etc. There are always memories that haunt us and some are laughable as we grow into adulthood. Then come the deeper wounds. Upon inspection we will find more painful instances from high school and throughout adulthood. The times when we start having connections with other people whose thoughts and hearts matter to us. Sometimes more than our own. Through friendships and romances our character and worldview is shaped and shifted. You can be built up easily by these people or torn down instantly. When you are young you don’t have the foresight to protect yourself from toxic people, we either think the best of everyone or are jaded and only draw in others with darker worldviews. We want to be vulnerable and loved but that comes with risks.

I remember dating this guy who was my dream boat, you know, tall handsome and charismatic. I was locked into that “Cinderella” mindset. I wanted him to be my one. Regardless of the multitudes of red flags waving all around me screaming at me “no, danger, don’t go there“. He was relatively up front about not wanting to dive into marriage or possibly not getting married at all. In my delusional state I decided that all I had to do was wait. He would realize how much he adored me and decide he couldn’t live without me in his life… Lo to my dismay he really didn’t want forever, not with me. I became aware of his engagement recently and although I am incredibly happy in my marriage I was reminded of the scene in When Harry Met Sally (if you haven’t seen it then stop now and go watch it, then come back and finish reading!) Sally calls her best guy friend Harry to lament about her recent ex’s engagement, after feigning strength over their break-up she finally breaks down over the news. Wallowing she says,”all this time he said he didn’t want to marry… But the truth is that he didn’t want to marry me…” As much as I do not harbor feelings towards this guy anymore it reminded me of my broken heart phase as we went through our break-up. So how much do these events and memories affect us in our everyday lives? Especially as mothers? I don’t want to raise my kid to be broken or worse, be the one to break someone.

I don’t know about you but I beat up myself for being a “bad mom” frequently. I find myself offended and personally wounded when my husband disagrees about the price on something… Like it’s my fault that whisk costs $20 and should only be $7. *cries* We go a little cray-cray in our own worlds sometimes. We get lost in our own heads about what we think this perfect more orderly life looks like and the reality is, perfect does not exist. We know this as a fact, so why do we keep setting ourselves up to fail by looking at social media pages and walking by ourselves down memory lane? I wish I had some deep insightful perfect answer. All I know is we crave perfection, because our hearts were created in it.

When you find yourself in that toxic self-destructive loop it’s a good time to step back from the social media and switch up your content intake, hug your children, read some motivational books or listen to a podcast/TED talk or just a gooey romance film. I find myself putting my phone away, avoiding the news, and only watching/reading content with happy happenings and endings. Call a girlfriend and get some heart time in. Go run through a park in the rain and get wet with your kids, on purpose. We crave connection and it is great to have reliable people to talk to, let shape our kids into those people too. I hope you all can find this connections in your partners as well. Know this, there is nothing wrong with you and no matter how grotesque you feel (inside or out) God loves you just the way you are. He would not change one thing about you. You know when you have that internal itch to get something off of your chest but no matter who you tell it to you can’t seem to share the load? Try praying on it for a few minutes, or days, and see how you feel. God makes some pretty great promises to lift us up.

Isaiah 46:4 says:
Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

You sweet sister are worthy of love, hope, and joy. When you feel guilty or hopeless call a girlfriend or reach out to your spouse, better yet call out to Him. Remember our past helps shape our character but it is up to us to choose our attitudes and behaviors. No matter how anyone has made you feel you are loved, you are wanted, you are someone’s entire world. Even when it doesn’t feel like you can find redemption know that you are worthy. Be you, a genuine original. Find your voice. Never lose sight of where you are going. You can make a difference by being passionate about the things that matter to you. Believe in your gifts. Be brave and wild at heart. Make mistakes and don’t be afraid to ask questions. Always practice kindness and compassion. Embrace all the things that make you unique. Be a hero to someone. Become someone you will be proud of when you look back on your life. Be the good friend you’ve always wanted. Live your life with no regrets because you are the real thing. You are enough. Remember that all the things about yourself that you sometimes wish were different are really the most special.